I can't seem to form any solid thoughts this weekend. I've been thinking about how my mom has been here for two weeks and how great it has been for us and for her. She went home this morning, so tomorrow I wake up to our normal routine again. Getting out of the house by 7:30, dropping the girls off at school, shopping for groceries, getting ready for the Girl Scout meeting tomorrow night and all the normal things I do each week. The difference with the routine when my mom was here is that she might pick the kids up from school, or come up to the house for dinner, maybe have us stay and eat with her, and she was always at the house while I waited there for school to be over. Tomorrow, the house will be empty when we get there. It would be a day I would probably go see my grandma for a bit, or at least call her. She might have asked me to get her mail for her, or pick up a prescription she needed. I might have brought her a coffee and sat in her living room and read the paper while she enjoyed the baby scampering around her house jabbering at her. I think tomorrow- more then the funeral, or day after the funeral, or even more then the first Thanksgiving without her- I will feel her absence. I will not be able to have a 'normal' day. My 'normal' routine will change because she won't be in it.
Eric put in a timer on a light in her house so it would come on at night and when I drove by the first night I noticed it on. I automatically looked in and could see her living room illuminated. I could see her chair and totally expected to see her sitting in it watching TV. Why? I was there when she died, lived the past two weeks after her funeral but fully expected to see her sitting in that damn chair, sleeping or sipping her coffee. I broke down. I drove home crying the whole way, cursing that damn lamp timer. How many times will I drive by thinking she is home because the light is on? When will it sink in?
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Friday, November 28, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
He Did Not Appreciate The Humor
We were all goofing off at the end of dinner. We were joking about the turtle: putting him in all different type of scenarios. "Turbo would beat the dog in a race!" Things like that. I can't even remember what Mr. said, but Middle said to him, "Daddy you are a silly! You are a silly pot. Head. You are a silly pothead!" We started laughing, me the loudest. ( She called him a POTHEAD for crying out loud!) She doesn't even know why I'm laughing so hard. My laughing triggers Miss's laughing, Middle is cracking up, I'm trying not to pee my pants because of my laughing. We start to slow down (4 minutes later), and Miss does a fake burp. "That's it! Go in the corner!" says Mr. We all sober up. She is now silently crying in the corner. We have had a problem with loud obnoxious burps lately, and have threatened the corner for the next offender, but Miss was just pretending to burp and she was trying to extend the life of the laughter of the 'pothead' remark.
Anyway, everything became serious super quick and now all the kids are camped out in my bedroom watching TV. We are avoiding the pothead for the rest of the night.
Anyway, everything became serious super quick and now all the kids are camped out in my bedroom watching TV. We are avoiding the pothead for the rest of the night.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Ha Ha
Let me ask you: Which is worse, waking up to this, or having your Florida bound neighbor call you the night before this happens to laugh and 'joke' about it? I don't find the humor. Not at all.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Yesterday
This is what my living room looked like for 7 hours.
This is what the wall you first see when you come into my house looked like for more then two years. (half paint, half primer)
This is after.
This is what the wall you first see when you come into my house looked like for more then two years. (half paint, half primer)
This is what the bordering walls to the pantry looked for more then two years. (again, half and half)
This is after.
These are the pantry walls after.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
A True Tale
Once upon a time, a fair maiden lived in a house too small. She had two children and was pregnant with her third. Her dear husband, although manly and handsome, was not one for home improvement. Luckily, this maiden had a talented and giving father, who offered his expertise to build her a pantry. He did a lovely job and all was well. Her baby was born and chaos ensued. She grew tired and picked her chores carefully. Some days she did lots, and other days she did less. Some nights she slept well and others she slept less. On and on the days passed until finally two years and one month were gone and her functional and much used pantry had still not been painted.
Then, one glorious week, the maidens mother was present for Thanksgiving. The maiden knew what she must do. She must plead to her husband to help her paint! If her mother could keep their spawn for a night and a day, they could finally complete the beautiful addition to their home with a coat or two of paint. Oh, the maiden was anxious and eager, and luckily her prince obliged. So together they toiled the day away painting and teasing and listening to hair band metal until the job was complete. They succeeded in creating beautiful walls of color and also rearranging furniture to make a new look with their old things.
Now, at 9:15 at night, the maiden is tired. She is sore. She is going to fold laundry and then slumber the night away. She will share photos tomorrow, because her royal behind is too tired right now. G'night.
Then, one glorious week, the maidens mother was present for Thanksgiving. The maiden knew what she must do. She must plead to her husband to help her paint! If her mother could keep their spawn for a night and a day, they could finally complete the beautiful addition to their home with a coat or two of paint. Oh, the maiden was anxious and eager, and luckily her prince obliged. So together they toiled the day away painting and teasing and listening to hair band metal until the job was complete. They succeeded in creating beautiful walls of color and also rearranging furniture to make a new look with their old things.
Now, at 9:15 at night, the maiden is tired. She is sore. She is going to fold laundry and then slumber the night away. She will share photos tomorrow, because her royal behind is too tired right now. G'night.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Five
Something good happened on November fifteenth- Middle turned five. The day started with us kissing her and singing the birthday song, but I was rushed because I needed to get to my parents house and color my moms hair before going to Toys R Us to buy one or two more things for the birthday girl. I had purchased a couple of toys when I got Baby's gifts but thought I would have the opportunity to return to get the one 'big' thing for Middle's birthday. Needless to say, the following two weeks were busy ones so I never did get there. Or to a grocery store, but that is a story for a different day.
On the morning of Middle's birthday we left the house at 9 am so I could do what I needed to, but when I got to my moms, things with my grandma weren't good, so I stayed to help, then things got terrible and I stayed because nothing could get me to leave her then- nothing. Around 10 am, just after my grandma had her stroke, I sent Miss and Middle upstairs to watch TV. We called hospice and everyone in the family to let them know things were bad. The baby was running around downstairs, oblivious to the tragedy about to take place. I called Eric to come. I called the minister. We waited for hospice. My aunt showed up. My uncle showed up. Hospice finally arrived and told my mom to call anyone that should be there right now. We waited and Eric showed up and he went upstairs to keep the older two company, and took Baby with him. My grandma died at 11:16 am. The minister came a bit after that, the kids came downstairs to be a part of the prayer. Afterwards he gave Middle a birthday blessing. Everyone was upset and crying, and it was my little girls' birthday. The funeral home came and took my grandma at 1:15 pm, the baby was napping and when she woke up, we went to Chuck E. Cheese.
She had been waiting and talking for about two weeks for that, because all the way back two weeks ago, I had told her that Yes, I would take her to Chuck E Cheese for her birthday. How was I to know what would happen? I knew from the diagnosis in October that there could be a chance of her dying on one of the kids birthdays, but when your almost five year old wants to do something for fun to celebrate her fifth birthday you have to plan something. She got jipped this year. No kids party. Not the full present load from her parents, or others either. No blowing out candles on her own birthday. But look at her smiling face. She was so happy to be five. So happy to go to Chuck E. Cheese. So young and yet feeling so old to be five. Next year has got to be better.
Thank goodness I had everyone sing Happy Birthday to her on the baby's birthday, so at least she got to blow out candles, just a week early.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
It's All Over
So, everything has been done. Wake, done. Funeral, done. After funeral gathering, done. Tomorrow we wake up and start a life without my grandma in it.
The hardest part of all this so far has been the baby walking up to the casket and seeing my grandma in it and saying "Asleep, asleep." A few times she would say, "Wake up." She would climb the kneeling bench and jibber jabber in her own language (which my grandma loved listening to) and then turn and jump down. Middle is confused about all of this death business, saying to me that grandma doesn't want to go to heaven. How do you respond to that?
The nicest part of all this so far is seeing the support from people I really didn't expect it from. The cards from people too far to make it up to the wake and the visits to the wake from people I didn't expect to see there have really helped me.
A group of seniors came last night that knew my grandma really well. The bishop of my church came with his wife, who is a fellow girl scout leader, which was a huge surprise. For those of you not Episcopal (or Catholic), let me just say that a visit from the minister is expected, a visit from the bishop is beyond typical. I'm very grateful to him and his wife for doing that for us.
I am right now in my PJ's and about to veg out and watch all the junk on my DVR. See you tomorrow.
The hardest part of all this so far has been the baby walking up to the casket and seeing my grandma in it and saying "Asleep, asleep." A few times she would say, "Wake up." She would climb the kneeling bench and jibber jabber in her own language (which my grandma loved listening to) and then turn and jump down. Middle is confused about all of this death business, saying to me that grandma doesn't want to go to heaven. How do you respond to that?
The nicest part of all this so far is seeing the support from people I really didn't expect it from. The cards from people too far to make it up to the wake and the visits to the wake from people I didn't expect to see there have really helped me.
A group of seniors came last night that knew my grandma really well. The bishop of my church came with his wife, who is a fellow girl scout leader, which was a huge surprise. For those of you not Episcopal (or Catholic), let me just say that a visit from the minister is expected, a visit from the bishop is beyond typical. I'm very grateful to him and his wife for doing that for us.
I am right now in my PJ's and about to veg out and watch all the junk on my DVR. See you tomorrow.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Bright Side?
One thing I can say, there is no shortage of black clothes at this time of year. I had to buy something that my fat ass could fit in to and there were aisles and racks and rows of dark and darker clothes at Kohl's.
I ran errands today since I'm leaving tomorrow for Part I of my grandma's wake in Westchester. The list I had would normally take me two hours to complete (not counting driving time) and today it took me FOUR hours. (not counting driving time) I walked around in a haze, backtracking and returning to stores because I forgot something there. I thought I lost my list (my LIST!) then found it 30 minutes later in my coat pocket. My lowest point today? It's a toss up between driving past my grandmothers house and it looking the same as it always does, (shouldn't it be crumbling down or covered by a black cloud?) or crying in the dressing room. The crying wasn't even for the aforementioned fat ass, it was...because. Because I was out running errands and had nothing to grab for my grandmother, because I wasn't stopping in to see her on the way home, because I knew where my new clothes were going to be worn.
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I ran errands today since I'm leaving tomorrow for Part I of my grandma's wake in Westchester. The list I had would normally take me two hours to complete (not counting driving time) and today it took me FOUR hours. (not counting driving time) I walked around in a haze, backtracking and returning to stores because I forgot something there. I thought I lost my list (my LIST!) then found it 30 minutes later in my coat pocket. My lowest point today? It's a toss up between driving past my grandmothers house and it looking the same as it always does, (shouldn't it be crumbling down or covered by a black cloud?) or crying in the dressing room. The crying wasn't even for the aforementioned fat ass, it was...because. Because I was out running errands and had nothing to grab for my grandmother, because I wasn't stopping in to see her on the way home, because I knew where my new clothes were going to be worn.
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Saturday, November 15, 2008
Born 2-21-29, Died 11-15-08
My strong, brave, generous, loving, uncomplicated, giving, beautiful, loyal, caring grandmother died at 11:15 this morning. I had the privilege of being with her from 8 am to 9pm yesterday, a tough day, and witnessing her courage this morning. I am happy for her, knowing she is at total peace and comfort, but sad for myself, knowing my grief is just beginning. Knowing I will never laugh with her again, or hear her voice again or have her sit next to me in the car again, or thinking it could be her calling me when my phone rings, hurts me. I will drive by her house every day and know she is not inside of it drinking coffee, or watching Matlock or reading, or hanging her laundry out to dry or waiting for me to visit. She will never ask me if I have time to do her hair again, never ask me what she should buy the kids for Christmas or will I stop and pick up her mail - but only if I have the time. I am doing her hair one final time on Monday. My last gift.
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Friday, November 14, 2008
Not Good
I can't even begin to go into the details of today. There are so many details and long descriptions, I don't know where to start. My grandma is on Morphine now, has a catheter and cannot sit up or stand on her own. She hasn't drank much in the past two days and I have no idea when she ate something. Things are bleak.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Hope
My grandma did get her stint 'upgraded' this afternoon, but it is too soon to see if it will help her nausea or help keep her liquids down. I'm not even thinking of food at this point, just some nourishing chicken broth or tea would be a huge improvement. Basically, she is starving to death. She was able to keep ginger ale down until yesterday, than even that started coming up. She had an IV for the procedure today and my aunt said, in front of the nurse, "Mom, this is the most fluid you've had in days!". We all know she is dying, but there is no reason for her to be dehydrated or malnourished. I'm sure hospice could give her an IV every so often if the new stint doesn't help.
Tonight, when she got back to the house, she was very drugged and weak and out of it. My aunt and I got her to the couch and she started gagging. I ran for the bucket and for the next five minutes my aunt and I held her up and watched her try to vomit and gag. There is nothing in her stomach. She is beyond weak. The effort of gagging was painful to her and wiped her out even more. My aunt left to rinse the bucket and grandma looked at me and said, "Oh Rebecca, I don't know." Which I understood completely. It also broke my heart. I rubbed her leg, held a cold washcloth against her forehead and made promises of a better tomorrow after the anesthesia wears off. I told her tomorrow she will be able to sip some liquids and start feeling stronger and went on and on until she fell asleep listening to me. I can't even count how many times she lulled me to sleep when I stayed at her house as a child. She would sit at the edge of my bed and whisper shhh, shhh, and stroke my hair and the next thing I would know, it was morning.
The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.
Isaiah 57:1-2
Tonight, when she got back to the house, she was very drugged and weak and out of it. My aunt and I got her to the couch and she started gagging. I ran for the bucket and for the next five minutes my aunt and I held her up and watched her try to vomit and gag. There is nothing in her stomach. She is beyond weak. The effort of gagging was painful to her and wiped her out even more. My aunt left to rinse the bucket and grandma looked at me and said, "Oh Rebecca, I don't know." Which I understood completely. It also broke my heart. I rubbed her leg, held a cold washcloth against her forehead and made promises of a better tomorrow after the anesthesia wears off. I told her tomorrow she will be able to sip some liquids and start feeling stronger and went on and on until she fell asleep listening to me. I can't even count how many times she lulled me to sleep when I stayed at her house as a child. She would sit at the edge of my bed and whisper shhh, shhh, and stroke my hair and the next thing I would know, it was morning.
The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart; devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil. Those who walk uprightly enter into peace; they find rest as they lie in death.
Isaiah 57:1-2
Another Day
When I saw my grandma yesterday, she showed me her tongue right away. It was red and scaly and when the nurse came she told her she had thrush. Just what she needs. It hurts and makes talking difficult, plus she has false teeth, so who knows if that adds to the pain of it. Today is the day she goes in for her stint adjustment. I know it won't change much, but I hope her nausea goes away, or at least eases up a bit. She is having a lot of back pain too - remember I just gave thanks for her not having pain - well, scratch that.
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On a lighter note, the baby had her two year check up yesterday and she is doing great. In the last six months she has grown two inches putting her in the 70% for height, and three pounds putting her in the 50% for weight. All three got the flu vaccine via the nose spray, and hopefully that will keep them healthy this winter. The only other time they got a flu vaccine was two years ago, when the baby was just a couple of weeks old.
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My agenda for the day is greeting the minister when he comes to visit my grandma at 11, picking up Miss at 11:10 from school (half days this week), meeting her teacher at 2:00 for a conference while the three kids play at my friends house with her kids. My grandma has her hospital appointment at 2:15 (which is late, I think) and my aunt is taking her over. I will probably hang out and wait for her to return home unless there are other plans in place I'm not aware of yet. So, I'm off to vacuum and start the dishwasher and switch the laundry and....
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On a lighter note, the baby had her two year check up yesterday and she is doing great. In the last six months she has grown two inches putting her in the 70% for height, and three pounds putting her in the 50% for weight. All three got the flu vaccine via the nose spray, and hopefully that will keep them healthy this winter. The only other time they got a flu vaccine was two years ago, when the baby was just a couple of weeks old.
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My agenda for the day is greeting the minister when he comes to visit my grandma at 11, picking up Miss at 11:10 from school (half days this week), meeting her teacher at 2:00 for a conference while the three kids play at my friends house with her kids. My grandma has her hospital appointment at 2:15 (which is late, I think) and my aunt is taking her over. I will probably hang out and wait for her to return home unless there are other plans in place I'm not aware of yet. So, I'm off to vacuum and start the dishwasher and switch the laundry and....
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Grandma Update
***I have an update for this 'update' post: on Thursday afternoon my grandma is going to have her stint adjusted. I know it isn't a cure for cancer, but I hope it is a cure for her nausea. ***
So I spent the day and night with my grandmother yesterday. Tonight and tomorrow night my aunt will be with her. I will see her again tomorrow while the kids are in school, and hopefully by then she will have an appointment to have her stint adjusted. She hasn't kept food down in who knows how long, many days for sure, and she is throwing up the little she tries to eat. She asked me to get her strawberry ice cream yesterday and she ate about six bites of it. An hour later it all came back up. That was the last time she attempted to eat, unless my aunt gave her something this afternoon. She is getting weaker and weaker but I can't say it is the cancer sapping her energy or the fact she hasn't had calories for so long. She woke up around 1:00 last night, went to the bathroom and she said she fell back to sleep. She was awake at 6:00 this morning and was dozing all morning until I left. No energy would be the sum of things now. Also, no pain. She hasn't had any pain medicine stronger then Tylenol so that makes me happy. I don't know what I would do if she was suffering with pain as well as nausea. I will stay with her on Thursday night then my parents will be here for a couple of days. It is very clear now she can't be alone. Just a week ago she was climbing the stairs and getting her drinks and medicines in her own home. Now, those tasks are done by others. My uncle keeps saying she is fading fast and that it will only get worse and I guess she is, but because I see her everyday it isn't as noticeable to me. Or the kids. They treat her just like they did six months ago, which I think is a great thing for her. They see her as just grandma, not a lady with cancer.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
The Good and The Bad
The Good:
Yesterday I tried to make Baby's second birthday fun and happy for her, while the weight of my grandmother's health was heavy on my mind. We started off by singing Happy Birthday to her about 5 times in the first 14 minutes after she woke up yesterday. Then we took her to a great indoor play space for kids. It is a really clean establishment. Something (before kids) I would never have given a thought about, (cleanliness in ball pits) but it is bright, clean and filled with fun yet educational toys/activities. All three of the kids were age appropriate for it and they all had fun. We left there and grabbed lunch at McDonalds, so you know that was a hit. The kids don't really go to McDonalds unless we are on our way to visit my parents, or during winter vacation, when I run out of ideas at the house. Me: "Today we're going to eat at McDonalds!" Them: "YEAH!!" Outcome: I rock.
After McDonalds we went to my grandpa's memorial service which was very simple and nice, and had dinner and cake at my parent's house. She barely napped yesterday and instead of being drowsy all evening, she was wired. Wired and wild, just like a two year old should be. Before she went to bed last night I thought of how far she had come during the last year, and how far she still has to go. Last year she learned how to walk, feed herself, undress herself, stand up for herself, speak many words, brush her teeth, climb on top of counters, pull the dogs tail, unplug the computer, mess up the remote settings, climb up then slide down the slide, undo the upper part of her carseat, drag a chair to the counter to look for 'shnacks', make me crazy, make her father crazy, make her sisters crazy, and make us all love her beyond any words can describe. She still needs to learn how to go potty -consistently-, grow more hair for a ponytail, sleep in a bed, stop pulling the dogs tail, stop going near the counters (knives! HOT stove top!), pump her legs for the swing, dress herself, use the computer, properly change channels using the remote, take turns, and she will do all these things much too fast and break my heart.
The Bad:
My grandmother is not so great. She is now using the wheelchair to go from the house to the car. She needs lots of pillows because she has no padding between her bones and skin, so sitting on wood chairs is uncomfortable. My aunt (her daughter) is staying with her tonight, I will be there tomorrow night and from now on someone will be with her every night. She wants people around, whereas, typically she would not want anyone to go out of their way for her. In the past, if someone would offer to do something for her, she would not allow it unless it was something beyond her physical means. I'm glad she is permitting us to be with her, to help in any small way we can. It not only makes her life easier, it makes us feel like we are doing something positive.
I did her hair today and she asked me to make iced tea for her, so that is what I did. I threw some teabags in a pot of hot water and I set her hair. Little things that I felt honored to do, things she was very appreciative of. Little things. That is what it all comes down to, the small things in life that make life enjoyable. A fresh set of curls. Some sweet tea. Time with young grand kids. A good show on TV. Watching the clouds move in. Talking to your brother on the phone. Everyday, ordinary things. All the little things.
Yesterday I tried to make Baby's second birthday fun and happy for her, while the weight of my grandmother's health was heavy on my mind. We started off by singing Happy Birthday to her about 5 times in the first 14 minutes after she woke up yesterday. Then we took her to a great indoor play space for kids. It is a really clean establishment. Something (before kids) I would never have given a thought about, (cleanliness in ball pits) but it is bright, clean and filled with fun yet educational toys/activities. All three of the kids were age appropriate for it and they all had fun. We left there and grabbed lunch at McDonalds, so you know that was a hit. The kids don't really go to McDonalds unless we are on our way to visit my parents, or during winter vacation, when I run out of ideas at the house. Me: "Today we're going to eat at McDonalds!" Them: "YEAH!!" Outcome: I rock.
After McDonalds we went to my grandpa's memorial service which was very simple and nice, and had dinner and cake at my parent's house. She barely napped yesterday and instead of being drowsy all evening, she was wired. Wired and wild, just like a two year old should be. Before she went to bed last night I thought of how far she had come during the last year, and how far she still has to go. Last year she learned how to walk, feed herself, undress herself, stand up for herself, speak many words, brush her teeth, climb on top of counters, pull the dogs tail, unplug the computer, mess up the remote settings, climb up then slide down the slide, undo the upper part of her carseat, drag a chair to the counter to look for 'shnacks', make me crazy, make her father crazy, make her sisters crazy, and make us all love her beyond any words can describe. She still needs to learn how to go potty -consistently-, grow more hair for a ponytail, sleep in a bed, stop pulling the dogs tail, stop going near the counters (knives! HOT stove top!), pump her legs for the swing, dress herself, use the computer, properly change channels using the remote, take turns, and she will do all these things much too fast and break my heart.
The Bad:
My grandmother is not so great. She is now using the wheelchair to go from the house to the car. She needs lots of pillows because she has no padding between her bones and skin, so sitting on wood chairs is uncomfortable. My aunt (her daughter) is staying with her tonight, I will be there tomorrow night and from now on someone will be with her every night. She wants people around, whereas, typically she would not want anyone to go out of their way for her. In the past, if someone would offer to do something for her, she would not allow it unless it was something beyond her physical means. I'm glad she is permitting us to be with her, to help in any small way we can. It not only makes her life easier, it makes us feel like we are doing something positive.
I did her hair today and she asked me to make iced tea for her, so that is what I did. I threw some teabags in a pot of hot water and I set her hair. Little things that I felt honored to do, things she was very appreciative of. Little things. That is what it all comes down to, the small things in life that make life enjoyable. A fresh set of curls. Some sweet tea. Time with young grand kids. A good show on TV. Watching the clouds move in. Talking to your brother on the phone. Everyday, ordinary things. All the little things.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
Cancer Sucks Ass
I can't believe what three days can do. I saw my grandma Monday, then stayed home on Tuesday. Wednesday when I got to her house, she was out with her cousin. Thursday she went with my aunt and so today was the first I saw her since Monday. I was in shock when I walked in. For the first time, she looked sick. For the past month or so I knew she wasn't feeling well, but she still looked like her old self, and would get around OK. Not today. Today I helped her get upstairs because she asked me to. (Normally she would NEVER ask for help unless in bad need.) The nurse came while I was there and I stepped outside with the baby for a bit, and the nurse told her not to do the stairs alone anymore. She said hospice could bring a bed for her to have downstairs, but because her bathroom is upstairs she would have to use the commode chair, and she refuses that. She has decided to go over to my parents house to stay. It has a bathroom on the main floor, and she can use the living room as her bedroom. She won't have one stair to bother with and can even go on the deck for fresh air. We will have to notify hospice of her new location, but they will still treat her and she will be much more comfortable and most importantly, she will be safe.
Tomorrow is a big day too. Not only does Baby turn two, we are having a small memorial for my grandfather at the cemetery here. I might not be able to post anything tomorrow due to emotional overload.
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Tomorrow is a big day too. Not only does Baby turn two, we are having a small memorial for my grandfather at the cemetery here. I might not be able to post anything tomorrow due to emotional overload.
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Thursday, November 6, 2008
The Aftermath
There must have been a total of 17 pounds of candy in their combined stashes. After five days of five people eating constantly, there is still a giant bowl left.
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And this photo, completely gratuitous. She is totally hamming it up here, she even waited for the flash before she moved.
Doesn't she look exactly like Eric?
And these pajamas? Every time she wears them she says, "Oh! Melmo! Aww, hug, hug, Melmo." Then she walks around with her arms wrapped around herself 'hugging' the Elmos and making kissing sounds.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Me and my Grandpa
This must have been about 21 years ago. We were dancing at my uncle's wedding. See his little flippity do on the front of his head? He would get enraged if you casually ran your hand through it as you walked by him. Especially if he just finished combing it. Then he would laugh..
Monday, November 3, 2008
Dealing With Death and Kids, Part I
On Girl Scout meeting nights, Mr takes Middle and Baby home, while Miss and I wait in 'town' to go to the meeting. Not only was tonight a meeting night, I also had an errand to run after the two little ones left with daddy.
Miss and I were sitting in the car about to leave, the radio wasn't on, and we were both in the same mood, which helps when you are about to have a serious conversation. It is never good to bring someone down when they are so happy, and also, trying to force cheer on someone in a genuinely bad mood is exhausting. But tonight, we were both in a content state and emotionally level. It seemed right to talk to her about my grandmother. Up until this point, all conversations about her were done after bedtime, or over their little heads. She might have picked up something and not questioned us, but only she knows that.
To backtrack for a minute, I have a 'new' minister at my church, he has been with us a year and out of seminary only weeks before he arrived. He is around my age and eager to reach out to not only his congregation, but to our community as well. He is always thinking of ideas to bring the town churches together and makes himself available to everyone. Anyway, he has helped me in the last couple of weeks by finding age appropriate -and Christian- books for me to read to the kids about grandparents dying. He has offered to minister to my grandmother and she appreciates the offer, but declined. She was brought up Presbyterian, and seems to be going back to it now. At church this week, he gave me two more books he purchased especially for me to read with the girls, and when I said I still haven't told them, he nodded and gently said, you don't want it to be too much of a surprise. He was right. I keep waiting for my grandmother to look sick. To be bedridden. To need oxygen or a nurse. She might never get to that point. She might just fall asleep and never wake up. I knew I had to at least tell Miss, my older and more aware girl, what was going on.
So, we were driving to do my errand, and I told her on Saturday we would take Baby some where fun for her birthday. She liked that idea. Then I told her, 'Also on Saturday, my grandpa, who died a long time ago, is going to be brought here and re-buried here in Town. Grandma wants him close to her, and when she dies, she will be buried with him.' A quick look in the rear view mirror assured me she understood what I was saying. 'Do you know what a cemetery is?' She told me what it was. 'You remember a couple of weeks ago when grandma was in the hospital?', she nodded, 'Well, the doctors found out she has cancer, do you know what cancer is?' She said yes, and told me. 'Well, grandma is very sick now, and will not ever get better. She knows that, and that is why she wants her husband here. She is happy to be able to have him near her again. And whenever she does die, she knows he will be waiting in heaven for her with God and her mother and her brother, and lots of people she used to know.' Miss nodded again and I said, 'Do you have any questions?' 'No.' she said. I told her when she sees grandma again, to just act like she always does around her, because grandma is acting like she always does, and that must mean that is how she wants everyone to be.
A few miles passed and I looked in the rear view again, and saw Miss looking outside her window, and who knows what she was thinking. I know one thing, I'm very happy she knows about heaven, and Jesus, and what he did for us and for her. She loves Sunday school, and learns bible stories there. She has a bible and reads it. Eric has a great illustrated bible and they all look through it together. And most importantly, we pray. Not just now when things are rough, but on all occasions. Each night before dinner, we give thanks for our family. At large family gatherings, my kids will rarely start eating dinner without praying, or asking me if they should eat yet, even while other family is half way done with their food. It is a natural part of their every day life. Sometimes while we are driving, we will talk about what we are thankful for, which is a form of prayer. My husband is so knowledgeable about the bible, he can find a bible story for most modern day situations to bring it to life. They have heard their father say he isn't afraid of dying, he knows where he is going, and it is a lot better then where he is now. I know my grandmother will be happy there too. I am happy to know she will be there waiting for me, however long it takes for me to join her.
Miss and I were sitting in the car about to leave, the radio wasn't on, and we were both in the same mood, which helps when you are about to have a serious conversation. It is never good to bring someone down when they are so happy, and also, trying to force cheer on someone in a genuinely bad mood is exhausting. But tonight, we were both in a content state and emotionally level. It seemed right to talk to her about my grandmother. Up until this point, all conversations about her were done after bedtime, or over their little heads. She might have picked up something and not questioned us, but only she knows that.
To backtrack for a minute, I have a 'new' minister at my church, he has been with us a year and out of seminary only weeks before he arrived. He is around my age and eager to reach out to not only his congregation, but to our community as well. He is always thinking of ideas to bring the town churches together and makes himself available to everyone. Anyway, he has helped me in the last couple of weeks by finding age appropriate -and Christian- books for me to read to the kids about grandparents dying. He has offered to minister to my grandmother and she appreciates the offer, but declined. She was brought up Presbyterian, and seems to be going back to it now. At church this week, he gave me two more books he purchased especially for me to read with the girls, and when I said I still haven't told them, he nodded and gently said, you don't want it to be too much of a surprise. He was right. I keep waiting for my grandmother to look sick. To be bedridden. To need oxygen or a nurse. She might never get to that point. She might just fall asleep and never wake up. I knew I had to at least tell Miss, my older and more aware girl, what was going on.
So, we were driving to do my errand, and I told her on Saturday we would take Baby some where fun for her birthday. She liked that idea. Then I told her, 'Also on Saturday, my grandpa, who died a long time ago, is going to be brought here and re-buried here in Town. Grandma wants him close to her, and when she dies, she will be buried with him.' A quick look in the rear view mirror assured me she understood what I was saying. 'Do you know what a cemetery is?' She told me what it was. 'You remember a couple of weeks ago when grandma was in the hospital?', she nodded, 'Well, the doctors found out she has cancer, do you know what cancer is?' She said yes, and told me. 'Well, grandma is very sick now, and will not ever get better. She knows that, and that is why she wants her husband here. She is happy to be able to have him near her again. And whenever she does die, she knows he will be waiting in heaven for her with God and her mother and her brother, and lots of people she used to know.' Miss nodded again and I said, 'Do you have any questions?' 'No.' she said. I told her when she sees grandma again, to just act like she always does around her, because grandma is acting like she always does, and that must mean that is how she wants everyone to be.
A few miles passed and I looked in the rear view again, and saw Miss looking outside her window, and who knows what she was thinking. I know one thing, I'm very happy she knows about heaven, and Jesus, and what he did for us and for her. She loves Sunday school, and learns bible stories there. She has a bible and reads it. Eric has a great illustrated bible and they all look through it together. And most importantly, we pray. Not just now when things are rough, but on all occasions. Each night before dinner, we give thanks for our family. At large family gatherings, my kids will rarely start eating dinner without praying, or asking me if they should eat yet, even while other family is half way done with their food. It is a natural part of their every day life. Sometimes while we are driving, we will talk about what we are thankful for, which is a form of prayer. My husband is so knowledgeable about the bible, he can find a bible story for most modern day situations to bring it to life. They have heard their father say he isn't afraid of dying, he knows where he is going, and it is a lot better then where he is now. I know my grandmother will be happy there too. I am happy to know she will be there waiting for me, however long it takes for me to join her.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
More Fodder For Her Future Therapist
So last night we went over to our cousins house (second cousin? aunt? not sure where they fall in the family tree) and they have two dogs. One is a puppy, and hyper so they crate her at night or when they aren't home. They keep the crate in a corner in the living room and when we arrived, the dog was inside the crate. And apparently, a dog in a crate in a living room is a magnet for kids. They barely had their coats off and the three of them where kneeling in front of the crate, sticking their fingers through the bars and giggling with delight. It didn't take too long for the door to be opened and Sadie made her escape. Her wiggly, happy escape. While the puppy bounded around the room greeting all her visitors with licks and quick jumps in their laps, my baby decided to get inside the crate.
She made herself quite comfortable in there and tucked the dogs blankets around her. She sat up and made sure the door was closed. She started barking. She yelled when her sister tried to open the door, "NOOOO! MINE! NOOO!" And of course we all ate it up. She woofed, woofed her way into the evening and made sitting in a dog crate look like so much fun, her older sister just had to try.
At one point the puppy got in there with her, and Baby couldn't have been happier. Her and the dog curled up on the little dog covers inside the crate and had a moment. Of course, the dog pushed the door open and left, so Baby climbed out and said "Uh oh! C'mon dutchie, c'mon" while patting her leg and walking backwards to the crate.
At least now I know what to buy her for her birthday. A dog crate. For her. Can you just hear her repeating this to someone someday?
She made herself quite comfortable in there and tucked the dogs blankets around her. She sat up and made sure the door was closed. She started barking. She yelled when her sister tried to open the door, "NOOOO! MINE! NOOO!" And of course we all ate it up. She woofed, woofed her way into the evening and made sitting in a dog crate look like so much fun, her older sister just had to try.
At one point the puppy got in there with her, and Baby couldn't have been happier. Her and the dog curled up on the little dog covers inside the crate and had a moment. Of course, the dog pushed the door open and left, so Baby climbed out and said "Uh oh! C'mon dutchie, c'mon" while patting her leg and walking backwards to the crate.
At least now I know what to buy her for her birthday. A dog crate. For her. Can you just hear her repeating this to someone someday?
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